Throughout all the insanity I’ve experienced in this, progressing becomes very difficult.  Tonight has reminded me of this, as well as some insight into myself that I often refuse to see due to fear.  The night started over at a friend’s house with Miles.  Apparently a talk with a friend got his mind going.  On the way home, we started talking.  Some personal issues were worked out between us, but came to a problem all of us have. The four of us want to pursue shifting to it’s full potential.  The problem is, we have no idea how to go about learning.  I’ve taken up some books on spirituality, and shamanism, but still have had trouble.  It’s not like I can call up someone and ask “how do I go about shifting into a wolf?” or “How do I learn to control mental shifts better?”  It’s just not something easy to pursue.  This is the problem we face with this.  We have experiences, we have support from each other, but not many ways to go deeper into this. The ideal situation would be some kind of teacher, but our only small possibility would be Noah.  He isn’t exactly the easiest man to contact.  I honestly wish we could hunt down the bastard, but not sure how to go about that.  For now, we will do our best to discuss and move forward the best we can.

As for a bit of self discovery, it hasn’t been the easiest thing for me.  I tend to avoid confrontations to the best of my ability.  I don’t want to deal with them.  I used to think this was because I had a non-aggressive nature.  Though I would rather life be peaceful, it isn’t exactly how I am naturally, and it scares the hell out of me.  Miles was the one who pointed this out to me.  I stayed in complete denial about it for a while because I didn’t want it to be true.  Now I realize this, but don’t quite know what to do about it, or what it means about me and my wolf.  My wolf tends to reflect my true nature down to the core, a much more simplified me.  I don’t want to be aggressive.  I don’t want to hurt people.  So why do I constantly have to keep myself in check in this way?  I want to build and help, not destroy.  At this point, I just have to learn to face myself. 

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